Learning to Forgive
by mabelreid
Summary: One shot follow-up to Betrayal Reid returns to Georgia hoping to find closure for the events of Revelations REIDANNA pairing


_**Disclaimer: see my profile**_

_**A/n this takes place six months after the end of "Betrayal." **_

The commercial flight from DC to Atlanta had seemed very long compared to the Bureau's jet. He knew the statistics of all flights out of DC, and spent a good portion of the flight resisting the temptation to tap the little old lady next to him on the shoulder and subject her to several random facts about airplanes and travel by air. Especially when they hit turbulence halfway to Atlanta and she'd begun to frantically finger the rosary around her neck. He restrained himself because most people either stared blankly at him, or made smart remarks when he couldn't stop a tangent about some odd thing or another. Of course, the team teased him too, but that was different, they were his family.

Another part of his brain kept going back to the reason he'd abruptly asked Hotch for a few days off. But, he really didn't want to think about that and his thoughts would skip away from the problem like stones skipping on the surface of a clear and placid pond. He should think about it but he kept telling his overtaxed brain that it would be better to wait till he arrived.

He reached into one pocket and fingered the medallion he'd carried everywhere he went for six months. As a talisman against despair and the urge to self-destruction however subconscious that desire was, it worked very well.

Then he thought about the team. Guilt ate at him for taking time off, which was absurd, he knew, but he couldn't seem to let it go. He could hear Anna's voice in his head.

"Let it go Slim… Everyone is entitled to a vacation. Do ya think yer indispensable?" She was right of course, but it didn't stop the guilt from burrowing a home in his gut.

Anna was the last to make an appearance in his jumbled thoughts, but she was, by no means, the least important to him. He closed his eyes and let every pleasant memory he had of her wash over his tattered heart and heal it for a few minutes before the bad memories surfaced. He'd first met her during an awful case in which he'd had to chase down a man that had been obsessed with him since he was a pre-pubescent boy. The man was in jail, but he'd killed some of Reid's high school tormenters and Reid still didn't know what to think about that.

He pushed those thoughts away and concentrated on happier things like Anna's dark blue eyes, or her voice. He loved her voice and her accent. It was sexy as hell and he could listen to it for hours without losing interest. Her copper red hair made his hands ache to touch it every time he saw it. She was kind, and empathetic, and funny. She loved without measure and gave of herself to everyone that came within her orbit. She loved Carrie and took care of her as fiercely as any mother lioness.

The captain interrupted this pleasant thought with the announcement that they were beginning their final descent into Atlanta. He watched others on the flight reposition their seats to upright. The flight attendants came around to collect last minute trays and cups. Everyone was occupied with their own concerns, even the little old lady, who'd stopped praying and was asleep with her head on the wall of the cabin next to the window. No one took the slightest notice of him, or his sweaty hands and thumping heart. This was it and it wasn't going to be pleasant in a lot of ways.

----

Reid pulled his ready bag out of the overhead bin. The other passengers were grabbing their belongings and no one was paying attention to him, which was just fine by him. He slung his ready bag over his right shoulder and joined the line of disembarking passengers.

The walk through the airport to the courtesy phone seemed like a very long one. It was very crowded and noisy. He nearly tripped over a small, blond haired boy that dashed in front of him.

"Reed Anthony Larsen… What did I tell you about staying with Mom?" An angry voice said. A very tall blond haired woman with bright green eyes grabbed the boy's arm and pulled him away. "Sorry," She tossed over her shoulder at Reid. The boy grinned back at him as she led him away. Reid watched them for a minute till someone knocked into him and cursed.

"Get the hell out of the way. What's the matter with you?"

He didn't look up, but began to walk to the phones again. He found the one that would summon the shuttle he needed to take him to his hotel. The shuttle arrived after twenty minutes of waiting. It was the longest twenty minutes of his life.

The shuttle filled up with weary travelers and their luggage. He ended up mashed between a teenage boy and an elderly African American man with a cane that kept swaying out of his hand and banging Reid's knee. The teenage boy was wearing headphones and they were turned up so high that Reid could hear the pulsating hard rock the kid was listening to. The shuttle finally made it to the hotel and another fifteen minutes elapsed before he got checked in and up the elevator to his room. For once, he realized all the things JJ did for them, like get hotel rooms.

He opened the door of the room on the first time and went directly to the bed. He didn't bother to take off more than his shoes before lying down and going right to sleep.

---

It was late afternoon when Reid arrived at the gates of the cemetery. Garcia had found the final resting place of Pam and Mike Hayes. It was early April and six months had passed since he'd been here looking for Carrie Norton and ultimately Anna Sorenson.

The grass on the gently rolling hills was dark green. The temperature was cool, and the wind was blowing. The Cemetery was large and there were little named streets that ran through it like a small city.

_The city of the dead_

He shivered and told the voice in his head to shut up. He was going to do this because he had to get rid of the nightmares that had come back in the last six months. He found Elm Lane and turned up the sloping narrow lane. He stopped halfway up as Garcia had instructed and walked into the grass. It took him a minute, and then he was in front of the graves of the couple that died because of him. He placed two white lilies on the grave and stepped back.

"I um… I wish I knew…" His voice was squeaking. He cleared his throat and tried to keep back the tears that threatened. He tried again, "I… My name is Dr. Spencer Reid, um Agent Reid… Um… You don't know me… Ah…

He couldn't do this. It was too hard to stand here and know that this couple had been killed because he chose someone else to live. His hands were sweating as he looked down at the ornately carved headstone made out of grey granite. Suddenly the white flowers mocked him. It was a little too late for him to be here asking for absolution. He should have visited here sooner. He shouldn't have waited two years to come back. If there was an afterlife and they could see him, what must they think about him and his decision? Perhaps they hated him and blamed him for their deaths.

He backed away, his heart pounding and his head spinning. For the first time in months he wanted a hit of Dilaudid so bad his hands began to shake.

He didn't hear the footfalls in the grass behind him, or the voice that called out to him. When an arm circled his shoulders, he wasn't surprised.

"Hey Slim…"

"Which one of them called you?"

"It was Hotch. He was worried about ya. Garcia called me right after he did and threatened to take my FBI clearance away if I didn't get my ass over here. You know, Hotch is scary, but Garcia absolutely terrifies me."

Reid laughed and the tears stayed back. "Yeah… she scares the hell out of me too."

"I gotta say that I'm a little put out that ya didn't call me ta say ya were comin' here. I would've come with ya."

"I know… I'm sorry. I didn't want to involve you in this. I didn't want you to…" He trailed off, unable to say what had bothered him about asking her to stand by him here.

"I got news for ya Slim… I'm involved in this up ta my neck because I'm involved with ya. I wondered why ya didn't want ta come back here for six months. I assumed it was because of me and what happened the last time we saw each other."

He pulled away from her horrorstruck. "I'd never stay away because of what happened to you and Carrie. It wasn't your fault."

"Sure it was, I let some good lookin' cowboy get me in his bed because I thought you were beyond my reach. I was stupid an I didn't watch my back, or listen ta my instincts about him."

"It wasn't your fault!" Reid insisted.

"Yes it was; I'm responsible for all of it. I should've stayed hidden instead of comin' back here."

"No, it wasn't your fault. It was Ben and Jared's fault. Stop saying that you were responsible."

"You're cute when ya get riled."

"What!" He could only stare at her like she'd gone insane.

"Don't ya see… All the stuff ya carry around with ya is there because ya allow it ta be. None of what happened was yer fault. Ya didn't sentence them ta death. Tobias Henkel was the one that killed them. He was the one that made the decision ta kill those people. Ya had nothin' ta do with it."

"But if I had picked them instead of -"

"Then someone else would be dead and you'd be standing over their grave blamin' yourself. You're never going ta get over this and we're never going ta progress past emails and phone calls if ya don't forgive yourself."

"I can't, I have to say I'm sorry and ask them to forgive me."

"Then do it! I'll stand by ya if ya want me ta."

There was nothing left to do but do what he came here to do. He took her hand and stepped back up to the grave.

"My name is Spencer Reid. I'm and FBI Agent. The man that killed you, he held me hostage and tortured me. He made me pick someone to die. I picked someone to live instead and he came after you. It was completely random. I'm sorry that I couldn't do more to save your lives. Please forgive me for not being strong."

He stood there for long minutes clutching Anna's hand hard, but she didn't complain. "I don't feel any different." He said after about ten minutes.

"What did ya think was goin' ta happen? Did ya think your guilt would just magically go away if ya came here and said yer piece."

He actually smiled at her. "Yeah… I sort of thought that would happen."

"Ya don't get off that easy. Ya have to let go of all the excuses and the reasons why ya feel so guilty about everythin' an then it'll get better."

"My therapist said that," He admitted.

"Then why didn't ya listen ta him?"

"It goes down easier from a beautiful woman."

She punched him in the shoulder and he nearly fell over. "Ouch…"

"Oh ya big baby." She yanked him up to her and kissed him hard. "I've been wantin' ta do that since the first time I met ya."

"Why did you wait?" His head was spinning from her kiss and the smell of her perfume.

"Because ya had issues," She said making quotation marks with her fingers.

"I don't have issues now."

"Yes ya do. How about we go try ta work on them together?"

"Okay…" He slung an arm around her, and they left the lilies lying on a grave of two people caught in the crossfire of a no-win situation.

There was no sign from heaven, no voice that came down to say that Reid was forgiven. He had to hear that voice in his heart when he was ready. The journey was begun. It would be long, but hope was always within reach.


End file.
